The Best Story You'll Ever Read  With Starfox
by ACID35
Summary: When I was a child, I thought like a child. When I was a college student talking to Fox McCloud, I thought like a college student talking to Fox McCloud. Enough said.
1. Chapter 1

The most peculiar of my adventures occurred during my fifth year of college. To clarify, I wasn't attempting to receive a doctorate or higher degree, I was just far too lazy to actually graduate from school. But that is aside from the point. The main focus of this tale is on the lesser known mercenary called Fox McCloud. A strange creature who apparently reached the pinnacle of his fame here on earth around 1997, when his existence was apparently leaked to several game companies who, instead of using their newfound information to prove the existence of aliens, decided to make a profit off of his career stories.

From my understanding, Mr. McCloud agreed that he wouldn't kill them for blackmail if he himself was given a share of their profit. Needless to say, both Fox and the game companies have been well off ever since. It is because of Fox's business endeavors here on earth that I met the ever famous Mercenary, one fateful day during college finals.

It turns out McCloud had a delay on his bank transfer here on earth, and personally came to solve the problem. It would seem fate has a sense of humor, because just as he exited the cockpit of his R-wing, I was walking towards my local bank to see to a transfer. It was on the cross roads in front of my bank that we met.

I saw him from behind, calmly waiting at the cross walk for his time to pass along the street. Naturally, my curiosity was brought to its height by the wagging tail sticking out of his clothing. I looked around at everyone else, to see if they were as shocked as I at the sight. Surprisingly, no one did a double take.

The reason for this is quite explainable actually. It also turns out that the day Fox decided to revisit earth was the same day a comic convention was being held in our area. I cannot confirm or deny that the cover of the convention was in McCloud's plan all along, but something tells me it wasn't. That something being the conversation Fox struck up with a woman standing next to him.

"You! Earth woman!" He shouted far too loud, "Do you understand me right now?"

In a shock, the young red head next to him addressed Fox quickly, "Yeah I understand you!" She shouted back, doing her best to avoid eye contact with him.

"Where is the Padlock bank? It used to be on this intersection! It's gone now!" Fox yelled. As he barked questions the crossing light showed it safe to go forward, and the young girl did so quickly.

"Go get a job comic freak!" She yelled while fleeing as quickly as her high heels would allow. Fox let out a growl and looked back at me and several others.

"Earth creatures! Where is the Padlock bank?" He shouted again, "I'm tired, and hungry and tired, and I want to go home."

Everyone, including myself, ignored him. To be honest I wasn't totally positive that Fox was standing before me. The resemblance was unbelievable, he looked so… real. Not to mention that for a fox person, he was pretty darn intimidating.

I did manage to say something before he began to walk away, "Hey, are you Fox McCloud? I mean, are you supposed to be dressed up like him?"

Fox stared at me for a moment, unsure by what I meant, "I'm unsure by what you mean." He said

"For the convention today." I replied, gazing into Fox's eyes in disbelief, "I mean geese dude! You even got the eyes to blink! And the face moves so smoothly…"

The crowd, now frightened by both me and McCloud, quickly started to pass us. Fox growled again and stepped towards me. My face brightened, expecting my new found friend to take off his mask and tell me all of his costume making secrets. Instead I received a hard slap to my face.

"Stop being an idiot!" Fox shouted, "Why are all of you humans idiots? I swear every time I come here you people gawk for hours and then make crazy statements about me wearing a costume or some crap!" He tugged at his ears aggressively, "Does this look like a costume to you?"

Doing my best to hold back my tears (by no means did I want to look like a cry baby in front of Fox) I shook my head, "No… it doesn't."

Fox pulled at his tail, waiving his rear in my direction, "And this bad boy? Does this look like a fake tail to you huh? Huh?"

"I'm sorry, it's a very good costume. I didn't realize you were trying to keep in character." I answered. Again, I didn't get the response I was expecting.

Fox grabbed my shirt collar and hoisted me off my feet, "I swear, if you call my perfectly sculpted body a costume one more time, I'm going to slap your jaw off."

"You really like slapping don't you?"

"Enough!" Fox threw me to the floor, then quickly pulled a blaster from his utility belt.

It looked so real, I couldn't help but open my mouth, "Wow! Did you solder the edges yourself? That thing is really legit!"

He pulled its trigger back and shot the ground at my feet, I jumped in a fright. Then he placed the still smoking barrel inches away from my head, "You will help me find the bank I seek, or I will blow your brains out."

I stared at Fox, jaw dropped open wide, "You're the real thing!"

"Yes." He answered

"And you're really mean…"

We stared at one another, Fox's face twitched. "Just stand up."

"Are you going to hurt me if I don't?"

"Yes, I will hurt you lots. Now stand up Sapien."

I stood to my feet, Fox looked around to make sure we hadn't caused a scene. No one was looking. Apparently, when humans actually site an alien, they think absolutely nothing of it.

"Walk with me." He commanded, "We cross your highway now. When we reach the other side you will tell me where my bank has gone."

"You're a fox person." I said with a stupid smile on my face. I will admit, talking to an extra terrestrial had put my logical abilities into somewhat of a daze.

Fox looked back at me with seething eyes, "Yes." He replied.

"You're from outer space." I nodded to myself, "You're an outer space person."

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Can we be friends?"

"No, we cannot Sapien."

"Why?"

"Because if I was friends with you for more than an hour. I would be forced to kill you." Fox stopped when we reached the other side of the road, I stopped beside him.

"Oh…"

Fox grabbed my shoulders and squeezed tightly, "Now, I need you to focus. You are a local in this area yeah? You know this place well?"

Heartbroken by Fox's statement, I only managed to nod in response.

"Ok good. Now listen I'm looking for Padlock bank. Do you know where it is?"

I paused for a moment, looking up at the sky while I recalled my past memories. "Let's see… padlock… sounds safe I'll give it that! Get it? Fox! You get it?" I started to laugh, Fox didn't share in my enthusiasm.

"Answer the damn question."

"Uh… right. Well yes there was a padlock, indeed there was. But it was torn down…"

"What?" Fox interjected, "What do you mean?"

"Let me finish!" I whined like a child. Fox growled once again and slowly placed his index finger over his blaster's trigger, thankfully I didn't notice, "It was torn down for this new bank see? All customers who were apart of Padlock were supposed to fill out forms. If they didn't, their accounts were dropped."

Fox holstered his weapon, "Great! Just my luck! This means I'm going to have to go back to my ship… and talk things out. With officials…"

"Ship?" I said. Fox began to walk away, while simultaneously turning on his communicator.

He spoke into it, "Slippy, bad news. It looks like the bank where I got my transfers from is shut down. That would explain why I haven't been getting a check. I'm going to have to return to the ship and talk things out with the officials."

"Ship?" I said again, following behind Fox closely.

He waved his arm at me, "Be gone Sapien! Your work here is complete. Great job helping me defend the galaxy. Or whatever"

"Protect the galaxy in your ship?"

Fox stared for a moment, "Yes… in my ship."

"Can I come on your ship?"

"No, you can't." Again, arid silence passed between us, "Goodbye now Sapien." With that Fox began to walk back to his R-wing. But before he could escape my grasp I interjected.

"Wait! What if I can tell you how to reach the guys who need to pay you?"

With this, Fox turned to me, "You know where they are?"

I nodded, "Yes, I'm a local."

"But I'm going to have to take you on the ship… is that the deal?"

"Yes." I answered with a smile. Fox let out a sigh and shook his head. He paced back and forth, then let out another sigh. "So… what do you say?"

"I'm still thinking it over…"

We both knew what that meant, and soon enough Fox and I were heading towards his ship in his R-wing.


	2. Chapter 2

_-In response to critics of my past work, I've decided it best to use the second part of this story to help lighten up certain readers. In hopes that they understand that reading (and writing) can carry two purposes. That of entertainment, and that of message deliverance. Below you will find a story written solely for entertainment. Critics, do not attempt to analyze this with a novel perspective (it's only a few pages, there is no extraordinary plot line, you will fail). Do not attempt to analyze this with a short story perspective (there is no hidden message or symbolism, you will fail). Do not attempt to analyze this with a television series perspective (This isn't Naruto or a soap opera, there isn't a cliff hanger after every chapter to keep you viewing. You will fail). This story has strictly been written for fun. It is ridiculous, derived from a very peculiar form of humor. Now sit back, read, and try not to overanalyze. Silly gooses._

_Adam Gilbert _

As soon as Fox McCloud and I landed in his ship, there was a giant explosion. I do not recall what caused the explosion exactly, but it may or may not have been related with the grenade charger I'd picked up from McCloud's R-Wing. As soon as the fires spread across the ship, several of the Starfox members came out in an attempt to douse the flames.

Peppy and Falco were the first to arrive, and quickly found that Fox had been engulfed by flame. He was thrashing about, screaming at the top of his lungs, "AH! Flipping help me! I'm on fire!"

"Fox!" Falco cried in a panic. When I saw Falco, dressed in his cool unique battle suit, I grew excited. I ran over to him, like a fat child runs to candy.

"Hey Falco! Where are you going?"

Falco turned to me in a panic, slightly bewildered to see a human on board the ship. "I've found the target!" He threw a fire extinguisher my way, "try to keep up!"

"Alright!" We ran through the hallways of fire and smoke. The sound of the Great Fox alarms rung in our ears. Red lights flashed on and off as our group followed the engulfed Fox down a long corridor. Fox soon let out a death cry, and as he did, Slippy jumped through the window of the kitchen room.

His eyes were tearing, and in a blinding rage he screamed. Tearing off his jump suit, and falling to his knees in agony, "It's too hot! I can't take it anymore!"

"Knock it off Slippy!" Peppy roared. He ran over to the little toad (Who happened to be on fire) and slapped, no, punched him in his face! Blood spattered onto the white tile flooring.

Slippy looked at him, contempt and betrayal overpowering his face, "Why Peppy… why?"

"Try a summersault!" Peppy roared, Judo throwing Slippy into the floor. So the toad did, somersaulting all about the cool tiled floor until his enflamed clothes were doused.

Once the flames had been quenched, he looked at Peppy with a smile, "Phew, that was too close."

"Yes! It was." I answered. Now, it was at this point that the Starfox team took the time to look my way. I smiled at them, fire extinguisher in hand. They took me in for a moment, then looked at Fox down the hall, then back to me. Fox let out another wail in the as he proceeded to drop to the floor and roll.

"Who are you?" Peppy asked me.

Fox continued to roll on the floor, accidently knocking over a can of gasoline as he did so.

"My name is Alex." I replied, "I'm Fox's friend."

Falco let out a scoff, "I guess I should be thankful…"

The gasoline poured over Fox's fur, he lit up like a lantern. This caught the attention of the rest of the team. Falco was the first to speak.

"Well, looks like he's on fire…"

Slippy nodded, "Maybe we should put him out?"

There was a silence as all three Starfox members watched Fox a little longer. Surprisingly, none of them did anything. It was actually Krystal who eventually came to douse him out. Afterwards, she proceeded to douse the rest of the ship with ice attacks, upon which there was much rejoicing.

Needless to say, my entry into the Great Fox wasn't as low key as I would've have hoped. Once Fox had been given several healing medications to aid his burns, all focus was drawn to me. Shortly thereafter, I was placed in bindings and sent to the criminal holding cells of the ship. The cells were fairly nice actually, each hosted a large hologram television and mini food pantry.

But I digress, I didn't have much time to enjoy the luxuries of my ship. Most of the time I was blindfolded, guided this way and that for several weeks. It would remain this way until Fox McCloud was well enough to speak, and speak he did. He had seemed to develop some form of dementia, and insisted that I had hijacked him and his ship in order to destroy the Great Fox. Upon hearing these accusations, the Starfox team agreed it best to interrogate me. They carried me to a dark engine room, and once I had been bound to a metal pillar, my blindfold was removed.

Greased covered chains hung all around me. I could hear the buzzing of dimming lights overhead, and my eyes focused on a table. It was covered with numerous amounts of blades and other intimidating items. The sight made me gulp, and breath heavily, and then gulp again. Or perhaps I breathed heavily twice… I cannot remember. I was in a great deal of stress at that point.

Falco stood before me, hands crossed, a bright light seeping over his back, "We are about to integrate you." He stated calmly.

"Oh no… no, no, no!" I screamed, "Please for the love of the world no! NO!"

Falco yawned, "Yes. I'm sorry, it must be done."

"But I haven't done anything." I looked around, Fox and the others looked onward from an observation room above me, "Fox! Tell them! I haven't done anything!"

"You tried to blow up our ship," Falco said. His fiery eyes caught mine, "Saboteur."

"Lies!" I screamed.

"Assassin, devil, marauder, mercenary killer!"

"All lies!"

"Enough!" Fox called from the viewing room, "Give him the treatment Falco. The treatment!"

Falco let out a devilish smile. His beak growing all too wide for the sides of his skull, surely he would rip his head wide with a smile like that. Surely! He pulled a blade from the table, "Who sent you huh? Who sent you?"

"I came of my own will! I came with Fox!" I replied, tears running down my face. "Falco, don't do this…"

"Ah ha! A lone wolf eh? Wolf… wolf…" Falco stepped closer towards me, and slowly raised the blade to my neck. He let its tip touch my throat. "You work for Star Wolf… don't you?"

"What? No, I work for none of the sorts! I came to admire you Falco." My eyes were starry, I looked over at the rest of the team. "I came to admire all of you…"

There was a silence, Falco and I caught one another's gaze. "What, did you just say?" He asked me.

"I came to admire the Starfox team…" My voice was filled with sincerity and sadness. Not even the most diabolical man in the world could turn from me. I was pitiful, I demanded compassion.

Falco shook his head, "No, before that… what did you say?"

I looked at him, "I… came to admire you?"

Falco's eyes dilated, "Me?"

"Y-yes…"

Falco removed the knife from my neck, he let it drop to the floor. "Do you, love me?"

And then, silence came between us. For a good five minutes or so, silence. My sadness had all but vanished, and was now replaced with bewilderment and terror. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Do you love me?" He asked again, bashfully. He toyed with the feathers on the top of his head, and my stomach dropped several feet.

"Uh…" I wasn't sure how to respond. I knew any answer I gave would only lead to despair. I simply stared, like a dear who'd been caught in headlights.

"Do you want to kiss me?" He asked, stepping far past my personal boundary zone.

"Falco… I'm not going to lie…"

"Yes?"

"This has gone way overboard on the weird scale for me." I cleared my throat, his beak inches away from the nose. "Like, on a scale from one to ten of weird, this is definitely around the ten area."

"Kiss me Sapien." He said.

"Falco, think about this!" But Falco didn't even bother to answer my plea, he closed in for the kiss. I struggled and squirmed to be freed from my binds. But it was to no avail, he came close, escape was impossible.

And as our passionate moment came to its crescendo, I snapped up! Passing through a layer of blankets and pillows, awake and breathing heavily in the corner of my room. I looked around in a panic, only to find the sun shining lazily across the carpeted floor of my personal corridors.

"A dream!" I exclaimed with excitement, "It was all a dream!" I laughed and jumped with glee as I arose and ran into my bathroom. What madness had driven me to such a frightful story? What had brought about such a tale of the Starfox team? Perhaps an overdose of sweets… yes… perhaps. I pondered these as I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror, and then I grew pale.

For on my neck and cheeks, lay red marks, as if I were pecked by a bird.

FIN


End file.
